ridiculousness

Check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYGWl3i9SmA

I don't understand this song. Sit, listen, read the lyrics. It is a song I have heard many times, sang along with, and enjoyed. I hadn't however, until today that is, really listened to the lyrics. Today they hit me with a great weight. I found this song quite disturbing.

No it is not explicitly violent nor dangerous to listeners, rather the lyrical content and upbeat music do not seem to match. What I really dont' get is at what point did songs with lyrics such as, "You'd better run, better run, outrun my gun," sound to be upbeat, happy, and energetic? And at what point have we as consumers accepted this? Some will weite me off as a peace-loving hippy.. and maybe in some ways I am, but I think we seriously need to consider what we are choosing to listen to. I mean come on. Knowing people who have been personally affected by gun violence, I just don't see the humour, nor the point of these lyrics. Whats next? Are we going to sing casual songs of people dying of cancer? of HIV? of drug overdoses or suicides put to quick tempos and danceable music? No. Becasue they are tragedies and should not be made light of... these are just my thoughts.

Spring is in the air

Can you feel it? Can you smell it? Can you touch it? I can sense it in my spirit and in my bones. I can! And although I have basically grounded myself for a month with the exception of school, work and practicing with buninga, I can feel the warmth through the window, and know that the winter blues are gone. At least for a time. And the idea brings me peace.

Uncomfortable

Every 2.2 seconds, a child loses a parent due to war, natural disaster, poverty, disease and other causes.

Tonight I did a presentation on a workshop designed to give ideas to caregivers to implement play therapy techniques with orphaned children who have experienced trauma. The presentation was to a small group of classmates who are all ECE's and I feel it went pretty well. A couple classmates warned me, "Caitlin, I hope you don't make me cry." and although I was successful at ensuring the workshop wasn't too emotional for any of my classmates, I left with tears in my eyes.

I have become somewhat obsessed in my experiences in both Jamaica and Romania working with orphaned children, and almost every project within this last semester some how incorporated the lives those children. I see their faces in every picture of poverty, hear their voices in every broadcast about war, and feel their heart anytime love is referenced.

Again, I state, every 2.2 seconds, a child loses a parent due to war, natural disaster, poverty, disease and other causes. In this statistic I recognize the children that I have played with, sang with, danced with, become angry with, and loved and it sends shivers down my spine. These are no longer statistics to me, but children.Children full of hope, adventure, and life. Children, full of innocence, wonderment, and mystery. Children full of potential, dreams, and curiousities. Children.

I hope and pray that I will always be uncomfortable by such facts and I pray that others will be aswell.

A Franciscan Blessing

“May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and turn their pain to joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

Amen.”

Beautiful

The Process

It seems I go through times of discovery and times of confusion. That in some moments I believe I have everything figured out and in others, nothing at all. Lately I have become more used to being at a place of constant uncertainty, and it is actually becoming comfortable, like a well worn autumn sweater. I used to be pulled down by it, overwhelmed by it, and disheartened by it, but now the thought of it, brings me peace.
In attempt not to appeal to much to pop culture, K'naan, in one of his songs sings, "any man who knows a thing, knows he knows, not a damn thing at all." I don't know anything, and I seem to question everything, but only by grace am I saved. And amazing grace it is.

It has been the longest blank space

I am writing to recreate the old, re-establish my thoughts, hopes and dreams in the virtual world, and reconnect with those I've become disconnected from. I am not trying to get anything out of this, other than sharing my simple thoughts.

a sinner's heart

For a long time i have felt winded. You know the awful feeling after a ball is kicked into your stomach? When you are breathing in so deeply that you end up not being able to breathe at all? thats what i have felt like. As if for some reason, despite my attempts i am unable to breath the beautiful air around me, and my asthmatic lungs are breaking down. I have felt that regardless of what i had done, regardless of what i had felt, i could find no way of changing the patterns. I had seemed to begin a path towards a person that i didn't much like. I was tired, was becoming increasingly selfish.. i knew i was doing it, becoming what i hate. becoming the last thing this world needs. but i couldn't stop. Like a downward spiral, and i just watched. I did most things with bitterness, and harshness, and i'm sick of it. Today i was really touched. Today i was touched at church in a way i hadn't let myself be in awhile. I'm tired of complacency, i'm tired of being tired of life. Maybe this is just a sinner's heart, maybe this is just the struggle life will put you through. But i'm tired of it, and i wish and hope to chance.

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. where there is hatred let me sow love, where there is injury let me sow pardon, where there is doubt let me sow faith, where there is despair let me give hope, where there is darkness let me give light, Where there is sadness let me give joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not try to be comforted but to comfort, not try to be understood but to understand, not try to be loved but to love. Because it is in giving that we receive, it is in forgiving that we are forgiven, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

-St. Francis of Assissi

and so i weep

My soul is weeping tonight. Not for my life or the troubles i face, but for those around me.
I can't complain about my personal life, i have everything anyone could need. But it seems that so many around me are in or entering into a place of brokeness and fraility. Sometimes i wonder why i can't be happy, and content and satisfied, even with my own life, but i think i have come to realize that as long as there are people i can see around me that are hurting, as long as there are people around me who are broken, as long as their are people around me that are weeping, my soul too will weep. Maybe its just something about entering into a place of true community with other people, maybe its just something about true humaness and its need to try to help others who are crying out, maybe when I began entering into fellowship with Jesus I also began entering into the heart of God. But whatever the reason, my soul weeps. So Lord, i offer you my humble prayers, begging you to reveal, heal, and save....
I fear this seems like a soulless post, or a crazy evangangelical cry for more souls for Christ, really i'm just trying to write my heart out right now, and also ask for prayers. I don't want to post my prayer requests, but please, if you would like to pray with me you can e-mail me and i will gladly share my sorrows.
love Cait
caitlin.wood@hotmail.com

Do you remember?

sometimes i have a difficult time letting go. Letting go of a time that was so magical that sometimes when i think back, its hard to believe it really existed. With music, dancing, campfires, roadtrips, dreams shared, passions explored, memories made. So many memories i have to really check and think, did that really happen? They're so story book like, so fantasy-like, so amazing. its hard because at times i dont' want to admit those times are different. They've changed, now we're a little more mature with a few more pressures, and we're all a little more spread out... but do you guys remember...

• the times at youth, that we would sing until our lungs hurt, that we would scream "Our GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD."
  
• the times we would just end up in prayer because the things around us were too difficult to handle,
  
• do you remember the time we went for a night time walk" by the healey's old place, only to be surprised by christian and sterling who ran by and through a match in an already prepared firepit, only to have the whole thing explode into a beautiful bonfire, and a great night.
  
• Do you remember when we went on that random trip to and around barrie, and slept in that farmers field, and went to the waterfalls, and phil randomly broke into song at the icecream parlour in washago... do you guys remember?
• Do you remember the photoshoots, the shows, the dance parties, the laughter, the jokes, the tears, and sorrow that we shared. do you remember?
  

Because i hope never forget. I do want to move on.. in pieces. But you guys are my family, bound more tightly than passing friends, and i love every one of you so much. You are my brothers and my sisters. And i can't wait to hang out with you again.

possibly a oneday song

peace like a river restores this broken soul
and though i am weary i don't walk alone
and though i may struggle with the things that i see,
you're standing broken-hearted watching over me.

replaceable

I'm not even sure if thats how you spell it, but i'm sure you all know what i'm trying to say, replaceable. This is how i feel, this morning i was thinking about it a lot, It seems like right now, i'm playing no vital role in any ones life, no key ingredient to anything happening. I'm just Caitlin, i am who i am, i'm the same Caitlin to boys as i am to girls, the same caitlin to christians as i am to non christians, and the same caitlin to friends as i am to strangers, hopefully, I'm Caitlin. But these days i feel as if i play no vital role in anything, no main character in any story, and thats not always a nice place to sit. I struggle with the difference between humble and low self-esteem constantly, anytime i feel somewhat good about myself i seem to notice that i'm struggleing with huge amounts of pride. I can't just be satisfied, is it because i think over everything i do and say, probably. Will i stop? probably not. I think this problem is part of what fuels my passion to serve people, to make a difference, so that hopefully i will be as important to someone as they are to GOd, and for some reason i will play an important role in something... maybe not... ANd maybe it comes back to trying to prove my worthyness to God (which is never achievable) yet always a dream... we'll see, did i figure out anything in writing this? not at all... just aded more confusion to maybe your own lives... i hope not. i hope you're all much more collected than i.... but i know this life is so confusing....
so i want to just run away to a far away land, and serve, i'm sure most of you know where i'd go, so i need not mention it.... but for now i'll stay.

I haven't written in awhile, maybe because i haven' fought with anything for a while, everything i have learned lately has been subtle, nothing too extreme. I guess thats the way it is sometimes, you're learning so many things at the same time sometimes it seems like you're learning nothing at all.. So things i have learned...

• I am a country girl in a city world down here, I won't ever fit it, and i am incredibly content with that.
• OH girls... YOU are so beautiful. please remember that, boys to are exceptional, don't get me wrong, but i think girls, ladies, women need more encouagement than boys sometimes.
• I've learned that God can take the worst most retarted things we do and turn them into incredible joys, and beautiful lessons.
  
• I've learned that some homeless people are incredibly joyful, despite all they don't have....
  
• i learned that i am in an incredible mood, and deeply want to learn more and love more about God.

and that was a quick recap. haha..

I love you guys.

unashamed

I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself...

WAIT!?!

I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself,...

STOP?!?

I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself...

HELP ME LORD!

over and over in my head i go over the things i'm not good enough at, the ways i fail, the hurts i cause, over and over i remember the pain i've had in my life, over and over i remember the ways i don't measure up, the ways i screw up. over and over. Usually these words go through my mind, last night they came through my mouth, and i realized, these things should not be said. that God never intended this. It wasn't until after the fall that adam and eve were ashamed of themselves and hid from God, so why do we let these insecurities haunt us. Why don't we acknowledge that God intended us to be confident, perfect beings, he crafted us by his own two hands, yet somehow we doubt that he knew what he was doing? thats insanity.

Know that you are who God made you to be. Embrace it, breath it in, and live it. you were no mistake, you are wonderfully and beautifully made.

a humbleing reminder

This morning I was on my way to a new church, a church that i haven't been to before... I left later then i intended and therefore forgot to figure out exactly where the church was. I got on the subway headed for a southern direction and two boys got on the subway. My first thought, for some reason, was "they're going to the same church" I quickly shook that notion out of my head and said what are the chances of two random people going to the exact same place as I... really it made no sense. I was surprised to see they were getting off at the same station as me... thats all i really knew about the location of this church. What stop to get off at. They went to get out of the subway west and i went east, thinking that i knew more, and proving to myself that they weren't going to the same place as i. I walked east for a good 10 minutes. Getting myself into even less familure territory. I walked and walked. And finally decided to ask for directions. I asked where John street was, and they told me it was actually west. So back i went... time kept ticking, and once again i was late for church. I finally got to the movie theatre where the church is held, walked in the huge doors, followed the signs, up the escalaters, passed the greaters, and into the movie theatre. I followed the people up the stairs to find a seat, and sitting right off the aisle, to my surprise, were the two boys from the subway. I was too prideful to ask them if they were going, too prideful to possibly accept that God was giving me directions. Too prideful to ask anyone until after i was way past the church.

Lately i have humbled over and over. How often i wonder do i try to do things myself and end up messing up big time. over and over. WHen will I learn... Hopefully soon because this yo-yo act is getting tiring.

a blah blah blah

So with all these decisions we are faced with, what courses to take, what schools, what careers, who should we marry, who we should date, what we should listen to, what we should write, who we should be, don't mean anything. I mean, yes they take up the majority of our time and thought, but in actual fact, are meaningless, compared with the decision of who we should worship. Think about it, if you've Committed your life to Christ then forget everything else, everything else is unimportant, they can be considered gifts to us, but not things that cause us grief or concern. Relax, your future is secured. and all these words are meaningless

lovely

This is a post for boys who like girls, and girls who have been liked by boys.

Now first, Boys: Please understand that girls, ladies, women, however strong they are, however powerful, however amazing and courageous they may be have beating hearts just the same as you, but these hearts are a little more frail, a little more sympathetic, a little more vulnerable. God intended this to be, he designed women to carry these hearts so they could nurture, so they could take care so they could be a sensitive beauty in the face of a dangerous world. Please be honest with it at all times. There will always be times that you have to let it down, tell a girl that you're not interested. Those days do come. Please please please, be firm, please don't scrape for excuses but tell her true reasons, please don't think that you're too amazing and that telling her would ruin her world. Although a girls heart is a frail one, it is a resilient one. It is much harder holding on to a piece of something to find out there was nothing there at all.

Girls: Remember that you are beautiful, amazing, courageous, strong, remarkable beings, remember that God has someone beautiful, amazing, courageous, strong, and remarkable for you. Believe that God has someone perfect for you, believe that if someone says no, then God has someone better then him, let not someone telling you no influence your self-image or anything says no, if the man of your dreams says no, then the man of God's dreams for you may come around the next corner. Remember that boys, guys, men. Are amazing, and wonderful beings, designed by God, and like us girls, often screw up.

that is all i have to say.. well except for . PRAISE THE LORD my soul is screaming that since last night. I dont' feel like blogging about that yet. but please, all believers, PRAISE THE LORD strongly, for GOD is real, and POWERFUL, and will take care of all our needs. Lord Jesus, i thank you from the bottom of my heart wherever it can be found, you are truly amazing.

hopeless romantic

I just got home from watching Ever After, a beautiful story about love that overcomes. And many questions are circling my mind, causing me to write them out so i can sleep. I wonder if too often we forget love. If we forget the beautiful, wonderful gift that God has gracefully granted us. I know i do. I know i think about all the things I want to do, all the places i want to go, all the people i want to care for, and make plans to tight for any "love" to fit in. It is true that Paul says, in 1 Corinthians, that if any man is able to not be married that he should stay single, but how can we forget that in Genesis God said that Adam wasn't right without Eve. But after eve was created, things were right. Things were complete. He made the perfect, beautiful companion for Adam, and yes she caused him to sin.. thus causing the fall of man.... but i'm sure they were very in love while they did it, haha i know.. poor arguement.. but its all beside the point. Leonardo Divinci in the movie Ever After said If you don't know love, than you don't know life. Have we forgotten the very essence of life, and tried to fill it with good intentions and busy work? I know my heart yearns to beat in time with someone elses'... it may sound a little lame, i even quiver a little writing it, but i am very excited for the day that I find my match, and can live happily ever after.

its been a while

Its been a while since i've written anything profound, anything with a deep meaning, anything at all clever. For a little bit i was drowning, i couldn't find what i was to do next or cared what i should be doing then. It was like i was running a three-legged race by myself, and knew that it would only be a matter of time before i fell flat on my face. And to be honest. I fell, and hard. People in life always have their secrets, their hurts, there pains, and i definetely have mine. I often doubt, that my God is as good as i'd like to think he is. I often doubt, but i often remember that I can't, and will never fully be able to understand the God who created the heavens and the earth, everly living thing on this planet, and much of the non-living. I will never understand the God who brought his son here for the sole purpose of him dying a long painful death. I will never understand, but i desire to find out more, as much as i can. So Jesus, thank you for reminding me how absolutely ridiculous i am, and how i need every ounce of me to be filled with as much as you, so i can get through this day.