My Jesus I love Thee, but life right now is killing me.

lonely

I've had this feeling before, when everyone was far away going to school in different places. But i think this time its worse. This time everyone is home, this time i see people often, this time, the contact we have is dry. No inspire words, not truthful sharing, no shared passion, at least from my end of the stick. I feel like i'm isolating myself from the beauty that we've made. I have no part in the things that are so incredibly dear to me. Summer school was possibly the worst decision i could have made. and now all i can do is hold it in regret.

Finding joy

Be Joyful! Be incredibly joyful because Jesus loves you so dearly. ARR once again, i'm so frustrated. I'm so uncontented, I feel so stuck. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I have absolutely no clue. Jesus Christ, you love me, you hold me in your arms so closely that i can sometimes feel you breath down my neck as goosebumps cover my body. You love me with a love that no many beautiful words could be laced together to create a picture of that love. You're too huge, too large, creater of the heavens and the earth, and to powerful, yet so small and humble, and lovingly help me through my life. This morning tears filled in my eyes as i quickly skipped an email that said "thousands may die from starvation today." i just skipped it like i've skipped too many, saying, not right now, i can't help now, i don't have money to send, i'm unable to go, i just don't know what to do. We could talk for days about why churches in this area stink. But where would we get, in the exact same spot as i am now in. Complaining, creating a place where i'm never satisfied with anything and become bland and insensitive to the joys of life. But i want to live i want to sing as loud as i possibly could, i want to rock out on guitar and shout "Jesus i love you." I want to dance as if i will never stop, i want to laugh like there is no pain. Be joyful, but conscious of what we can do. Friends, lets see how we can change this world, lets find out how live activly in it, yet have the joy of children in the sunshine. Lets experience the life given with the strength to endure it. Let us love. Let us serve. Let us be the Jesus the world needs to see. Let us be nothing else.

Wouldn't it be awesome to...

This is one of my craziest dreams, i've thought about it often, maybe unrealistic, but sometimes the most earth shaking are the ones that are unrealistic.
buy a diesel bus, convert it to grease, and go on a huge, change the world tour. Fill the bus with i
instruments, guitars, microphones, drums, keyboards. Fill it with art supplies, paints, sewing machines, and go spread God's love. Ohh Love labour could call before hand to city's and say yo, we're coming to your town, we can talk to your church about Romania, Rwanda, India, Malawi, Ghana, Minneopolis, Uxbridge. About God's love, serving people, helping people, living the every day adventure. We could ask for a meal and a place to sleep/shower.. if we found it neccessary. Just run away for like 6 weeks and be unrealistic, immauture, irrational, and irresponsible. To tell people that we need to do something in the world, and to show people how. Just through knitting, sewing, baking, canning, painting, photography, jewlry making, music making, glass blowing, welding, carving, dancing, documentary-ing, sculpting, ANYTHING-ing. just creating. and to sell those things, for charity. To truly start a revolution. a movement of love labourers. ohhh. it would be incredible. a crazy dream. I know. I need to make money like all of you. i can't afford to invest money into a bus... but wouldn't it be incredible? wouldn't it be remarkable? wouldn't it be life changing? To go on a journey to teach, serve, love, and share. A journey to meet Jesus in the alleys and in the "untalented." Wouldn't it be beautiful, wouldn't it be breathtaking, wouldn't it be amazing.....
who is with me.

I can't think, can't study, can't work, can't sleep, too many thoughts plague my mind. Too many troubles whirl around until I can't do anything fully. I try so hard to be someone God would want to call a faithful servant, someone who speaks truth, and does good, someone who makes strangers feel loved and the loved feel wonderful. I try hard. Yet i am still plagued. I hate complaining, i hate saying "okay" when people ask how I am. I should be victorious, I am a child of God, my future is secured and stamped with a golden seal of hope. But right now, today, i don't feel that hope. I'm exhausted, stretched to a max.... and although my problems are a miniscule speck compared to the worlds problems, right now, i feel like complaining. I'm tired. and need to get back to studying right now.

Not a chance.

How have we built a culture of posers, of copy-cats, of people so numb to new ideas that they need to steal other peoples to get by. What is worse, is it is becoming perfectly normal and acceptable to do it, people have stopped complaining about rip offs, people have stopped caring that there are no new ideas out there. For a moment lets remember when we were young and some kid from our neighbourhood or school or some peer copied everything we said and did. How horribly annoying that was, and how that kid, if in school would be told by the teacher, "don't copy your friends." Now there is nobody to say don't copy. So winking circle was ripped off by Coca-cola, plain and simple, blatantly, abruptly. And who was there to tell them, "don't copy" nobody. Its seen all over the place, check this out, its wacko.

okay check these out. the first one is disney't "THE WILD" the other is the movie is Dreamwork's "MADAGASCAR" they both start out as animals in a zoo in a busy city in the states. Both end up going on an adventure "into the wild" They are the exact same movie with a few different jokes and a small adjustment to the animation. Its sickening. We have no hope of keeping our ideas our own if big timers like Disney rip people off and get away with it. So be careful. Every idea you thought was your own could very soon be marketed to sell a product, or become the next multi-million dollar movie. You never know.

Feeling a little left out.

Gotta love the horse face.

sooo awesome

Preparations for Easter

It seems now adays in Canada that easter is just another excuse for a long weekend, and another excuse to practice gluttony and indulgence. I'm not saying i'm not going to enjoy eating lots of chocolate, but where has the wonder gone from this day? Where have the beautiful traditions and preparations gone. Last year i was in Ocna Mures - a small Romanian village, and had the absolute pleasure of seeing them perform their different preparations. Weeks before they would wash every part of their house. They would take all of their carpets outside and beat them until they were clean. The would use the little money they had to repaint window frames, and other things that needed work on them. They would bake cakes, Bianca seen in the picture, baked five cakes for easter meal. They bought a lamb and neighbours would get together to slaughter the lamb. Though at first it kind of grossed me out, but it was such a time of community and sharing that it was incredible to witness. This wasn't just some kind of spring cleaning just because it had to be done. This was preparing their home and their hearts for their Lords return. such a beautiful way to get your hearts and homes connected, and ready to worship the King of Kings, The Lord of Lords, and the Saviour of all the sinners.
Prepare your hearts friends. This is the most exciting time of the year. Praise be to God.

I love...

sunny days and climbing trees.

Fancy blue dress

I got this dress in a downtown thrift store, and i really like it. I need to make a few adjustments, and have already began. I love the thought of altering. To take something thrown away, disregarded, left for trash (and possibly resold), and to find potential, make a few adjustments, a few alterations to make myself the fancy blue dress.
It excites me to think that this dress is from the 70's for thats what the tag said. What was the former owner of this dress like? What did she love and what did she hate. But more importantly, what did she do when wearing this dress? Maybe she had her first kiss, maybe she was dumped for the first time. Maybe the first time she wore this dress she gathered up enough courage to sing infront of a crowd with such passion, and energy that she left the whole crowd speechless. Maybe she attended her prom in this dress, and felt for the first time she was a woman. Maybe she bought the dress for her prom but was never asked, so it hung quietly in her closet. Maybe the first night she wore this dress she fell head over heels in love with a boy who said she looked like an angel. Maybe this dress has a bigger story then i could imagine, or maybe i'm giving this dress way too much recognition. Maybe it was just a dress like every other dress. But i'd rather think it had an extravagant life before reaching me.

Its great being Ridiculous

wouldn't you agree?

A perfect me and a perfect you

sorry.. this will be a long one.
I'm going to tell you a story of Mother Teresa that i found in the bood "irresistable revolution" (a very great book) Shane Clairborne went to work in Calcutta in the House of the Dying and he says this:
"Mother Teresa was one of thosepeople who sacrificed great privelage because seh encountered such great need. People often ask me what Mother Teresa was like. Sometimes it's like they wonder if she glowed in the dark or had a halo. She was short, wrinkled, and precious, maybe even a little ornery, like a beautiful wise old granny. But there is one thing i will never forget - her feet. Her feet were deformed. Each morning in Mass, I would stare at them. I wondered if she had contracted leprosy. But I wasn't going to ask, of course. 'Hey mother, whats wrong with your feet?' One day a sister said to us, 'Have you noticed her feet?' We nodded curious. She said, 'Her feet are deformed because we get just enough donated shoes for everyone, and Mother does not want anyone to get stuck with the worst pair, so she digs through and finds them. And years of doing that have deformed her feet.' Years of loving her neighbor as herself deformed her feet."
I think about Perfection. We are taught and know that we can never be perfect. That we will always sin, that we will always fall short. But, I think of people like Mother Teresa, And i don't really believe it. We are told to die to ourselves. To abandon our 'self' and be Christ-like figures. If we are truly Christ-like figures then i think we can be perfect. If we abandon all of our crap, our selfish desires, our need for success and to impress, if we are seperated from this world, then we leave a lot more room for Jesus. If we truly die to ourselves, then Jesus can truly live in us, and if Jesus can truly, ultimately live in us, then i do think we can be perfect. Just as Christ is perfect. Don't sell yourself short, don't cop-out, saying, well we can't be perfect so it doesn't matter that i sinned against God. I think God desires us to be perfect. Just as he is perfect. Just as i don't think there was much of mother Teresa left in her when her soul left this earth, but I think there was a whole lot of God, a whole lot of perfection.

Something I've realized lately. This is may not be profound for you, this may not even be of interest, but its something i've learned abour myself recently, and something and possible something that someone out there on the world wide web my appretiate, so it will be written. I am realized that I'm really not girly. I do have girly traits.. and do girly things, but i am not, and will never be girly. Okay so i'll define girly.. in my opinion:

• Girly is someone who in the morning does, and makeup before going out anywhere,
  
• girly is someone who has way too many clothes, and who cares desperately about what she looks like,
  
• girly is someone, who when wearing a skirt can sit properly, and someone who can wear high heels.
  
• Girly is someone who puts on make up and keeps it just right all day.
  
• Girly is someone who looks at fashion magazines to get the latest tips and styles.
  
• Girly is someone who goes once a month and get her hair done at a salon and gets it streeked.
  
• Girly is always beautiful physically.
  
• Girly is someone who knows exactly what to wear with what, and someone who loves to go shopping to get the acquired look.
• Girly is someone who always has a nice golden skin colour
  

I am none of those things.

• I get up at 6 and am out the door at 6 15. no time for hair and make-up.
  
• i don't have that many clothes. I think i do have more then i need.. and will probably get rid of some very soon because i just said that.
  
• I really don't care that much about what i look like... i mean my hair is in knots... enough said.
  
• when i wear a skirt i always need to wear shorts underneath because i never ever sit nicely or "lady-like". and sometimes have the urge to climb a tree.....
• I occasionally will put on some eye make-up but always end up smudging it all over my eyes.. i dont' know how it happens.. i just know that every time it does.
• I never look at a fashion magazine or a makeup magazine.... i did once and i think i'm going to sew a dress that i found in it... but then i ripped the page from the magazine and quickly threw out the magazine.
• i don't get my hair streeked.. my hair is in knots... enough said
• i have the palest of pale skin.
• oh and another one of me not being a girl. i very much dislike shaving my legs. Last June (24) the day before my friends wedding i shaved my legs and then didn't until a couple of weeks ago.. i just find it ridiculous that someone out there one day decided it was disgusting for women to have hair on their legs, and every women just accepted it as true without questioning. I mean.. think for yourselves ladies. if you dont' want to, don't do it.
  

So that pretty much sums it up. I'm not that girly.. i am a girl. I do want to be loved, i do want to be beautiful, but a different kind of beauty, a beauty that comes from a closeness with God. I do want to be desired, and sought after, but not for my looks, for my heart and for my mind. Those are the things that will not lose value through time. But i do want to be able to climb a tree in a skirt... and knot my hair... enough said

who wants to run away

Okay so i'm running away. i'm packing my car full of stuff i probably don't need and hitting the road, we're going to the coolestplaces that my little pink car can take me, to the coast, to the states, to mexico maybe. screw the suburbs, screw education, screw work. We'll just drive take the top off of my little toy care and fly. we'll go so far we won't remember how to get back. we'll drive and drive. We'll meet people along the way, meet Jesus along the way, stay in communes and homeless shelter, we'llbe homeless. we'll be free. We'll disciple and tell our stories and we'll be content. We will love every second of it, and if the car dies then we'll sell it to a sheet metal place and we'll hitchhike the rest. doesn't this sound awesome? doesn't this sound like something you want to do? It does for me... sometmes.. but. right. i'm not that irresponsible... i never have been.. so i'll go to school, get my education, however small it might be... and with it.. i will serve. Praise the Lord i will serve. and then on my vacations- if i'll ever need one.. i will run away, for a short time... and then return.

Torn

v. tore, (t�r, tr) torn, (t�rn, trn) tear·ing, tears
v. tr.

1. To pull apart or into pieces by force; rend.
2. To make (an opening) by ripping: tore a hole in my stocking.
3. To lacerate (the skin, for example).
4. To separate forcefully; wrench: tore the wrappings off the present.
5. To divide or disrupt: was torn between opposing choices; a country that was torn by strife.

I am so torn. Torn between two places, torn between two lives, torn between two choices. I cry myself to sleep because I long to be with those babies, but then I go to school and cannot imagine going back without learning more. I am torn because i want to go back, i want to hold, love, believe, and trust. But i feel like that is saved for a later time. My heart longs to be radical. I'm reading a pretty radical book and it doesn't seem radical to me. It seems logical. This is how i want to live. But why can't i live it right now? Last week was hard. Friday was hardest. It had been a long week, i hadn't seen any of my friends that were home for reading week , but what is worse, i hadn't been able to spend time with my God. I feel so cut off. I honestly do not have time to start my day with him, when i work at 6 30, i don't have time to end the day with him when i get home almost every night at 11 and need to get up early the next day. I don't have time. I said my biggest fear was to lose this. To work, and be educated, but to be dead. Sometimes i want to feel alive again. Feel God moving me and touching me. To feel him guiding me and hugging me as I fall. I miss that presence. I just don't know how to do this differently. I love God. I so desperately want to serve him desperately, but in my life right now, i am too busy to. And this tears at my heart. This eats my soul. I've never wanted to become what i am now doing. Maybe this is temporary, maybe next week i'll feel better, but right now i feel a little hopeless. So when do i leave, when do i go back to that place. After my schooling? or will i be dead by then. I just don't know. I have no idea. But am having a hard time coping with not knowing. Jesus. Hold me. It would be so simple for me to run away and serve you, and it is so hard for me to stay here.
I know life is not easy, but does it have to be so damn hard?
Lord, hear my cries, as i sleep tonight, and be with those forgotten children, may they feel unforgotten tonight.

Love without courage and wisdom is sentimentality, as with the ordinary church member.
Courage without love and wisdom is foolhardiness, as with the ordinary soldier.
Wisdom without love and courage is cowardice, as with the ordinary intellectual.
But the one who has love, courage, and wisdom moves the world.

- Ammon Hennacy (Catholic activist, 1893-1970)

Just a Girl

So often I forget, so often i try to have the exact answer at the exact time, so often I try to understand every action and every feeling I have. So often I try to be tough and say things like "i am hardcore."... well i guess not that often. But so often I get lost in thoughts, in dreams, in motivations, that i forget who i am. I am just a girl. It took a sappy movie to get that drilled through my head this time.
I watched a walk to remember and cried like a baby. The story is of a perfect, sweet, innocent love. A love that most search for and only some find. A love of mystery and clarity. I cried because fate tore them apart. The movie is sappy, lame, stupid and i loved it. I loved it because my heart wants that love. My incredibly girly heart searches for it. But my incredibly contemplative mind often shuns it. Too much to do, too little time. But that doesn't mean that I don't always want it. I am very much a girl, and cry very much like a girl. I just don't always act so much like a girl. But i am, just a girl.

Wishing Away

A clear childhood memory places me on a bus-ride home from school. I was probably about 9 years old on the bus and thinking over and over, "I wish i was 13, I wish i was 13, I wish i was 13" I wished for those years because 13 was a teenager. You were old, you could have boyfriends and a grown-up body, and wear make-up. But 13 hit, and wasn't that excited. Most boys weren't that cool, make-up was highly overrated, a grown-up body came with grown-up annoyances. So then i wished for 18. I mean 18 you could do anything! You could drive, go anywhere you want, not listen to your parents, move out, be an adult. But then 18 hit, and that wasn't that exciting. So then i wished for being older.. no such age. but to be in college, have my future planned out, maybe be married, etc, etc. And so the wishing game begins. I've looked back and realized that i wish away my life. Instead of taking every day as a gift, i wish for the next. Its a horrible cycle that needs an end, and so today i'm goign to try, to stop it. Today what do i need to be thankful for, what do i need to do. I need to focus on school take full advantage of the schooling provided to me. I need to be thankful for friends, some who live so far, but still are so close. Family, that right now, it quite wonderful. I need to work on loving as much as I can, Seek God as much as i can, and become a disciple as much as i can. I'm tired of thinking taht maybe tomorrow God will make me into a better, stronger person, and need to strive for that today. Don't plan the future, let it come as a surprise. And be thankful for every moment you have today. Lord willing i will have a long life. But for no all i know is i have today. So let me take it with pleasure.

oh man, Pink, you're awesome (occasionally)

This is a song by Pink that I heard on the Radio today.. pretty stinking cool.... Its by Pink and its called Stupid Girl

Stupid girl, stupid girls, stupid girls
Baby if I act like that, that guy will call me back
What a paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

Go to Fred Segal, you'll find them there
Laughing loud so all the little people stare
Looking for a daddy to pay for the champagne
(Drop a name)
What happened to the dreams of a girl president
She's dancing in the video next to 50 Cent
They travel in packs of two or three
With their itsy bitsy doggies and their teeny-weeny tees
Where, oh where, have the smart people gone?
Oh where, oh where could they be?

Baby if I act like that, that guy will call me back
What a paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl
Baby if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

(Break it down now)
Disease's growing, it's epidemic
I'm scared that there ain't a cure
The world believes it and I'm going crazy
I cannot take any more
I'm so glad that I'll never fit in
That will never be me
Outcasts and girls with ambition
That's what I wanna see
Disasters all around
World despaired
Their only concern
Will they **** up my hair

Baby if I act like that, that guy will call me back
What a paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl
Baby if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

[Interlude]
Oh my god you guys, I totally had more that 300 calories
That was so not sexy, no
Good one, can I borrow that?
[Vomits]
I WILL BE SKINNY

(this part i deleted.. it was really an unneccessary part of the song... google it if you really care)

Baby if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back
Push up my bra like that, stupid girl!

Baby if I act like that, that guy will call me back
What a paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl
Baby if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl