unashamed

I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself...

WAIT!?!

I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself,...

STOP?!?

I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself...

HELP ME LORD!

over and over in my head i go over the things i'm not good enough at, the ways i fail, the hurts i cause, over and over i remember the pain i've had in my life, over and over i remember the ways i don't measure up, the ways i screw up. over and over. Usually these words go through my mind, last night they came through my mouth, and i realized, these things should not be said. that God never intended this. It wasn't until after the fall that adam and eve were ashamed of themselves and hid from God, so why do we let these insecurities haunt us. Why don't we acknowledge that God intended us to be confident, perfect beings, he crafted us by his own two hands, yet somehow we doubt that he knew what he was doing? thats insanity.

Know that you are who God made you to be. Embrace it, breath it in, and live it. you were no mistake, you are wonderfully and beautifully made.

a humbleing reminder

This morning I was on my way to a new church, a church that i haven't been to before... I left later then i intended and therefore forgot to figure out exactly where the church was. I got on the subway headed for a southern direction and two boys got on the subway. My first thought, for some reason, was "they're going to the same church" I quickly shook that notion out of my head and said what are the chances of two random people going to the exact same place as I... really it made no sense. I was surprised to see they were getting off at the same station as me... thats all i really knew about the location of this church. What stop to get off at. They went to get out of the subway west and i went east, thinking that i knew more, and proving to myself that they weren't going to the same place as i. I walked east for a good 10 minutes. Getting myself into even less familure territory. I walked and walked. And finally decided to ask for directions. I asked where John street was, and they told me it was actually west. So back i went... time kept ticking, and once again i was late for church. I finally got to the movie theatre where the church is held, walked in the huge doors, followed the signs, up the escalaters, passed the greaters, and into the movie theatre. I followed the people up the stairs to find a seat, and sitting right off the aisle, to my surprise, were the two boys from the subway. I was too prideful to ask them if they were going, too prideful to possibly accept that God was giving me directions. Too prideful to ask anyone until after i was way past the church.

Lately i have humbled over and over. How often i wonder do i try to do things myself and end up messing up big time. over and over. WHen will I learn... Hopefully soon because this yo-yo act is getting tiring.