v. tore, (t�r, t
r)
torn, (t�rn, t
rn)
tear·ing, tears v. tr.- To pull apart or into pieces by force; rend.
- To make (an opening) by ripping: tore a hole in my stocking.
- To lacerate (the skin, for example).
- To separate forcefully; wrench: tore the wrappings off the present.
- To divide or disrupt: was torn between opposing choices; a country that was torn by strife.
I am so torn. Torn between two places, torn between two lives, torn between two choices. I cry myself to sleep because I long to be with those babies, but then I go to school and cannot imagine going back without learning more. I am torn because i want to go back, i want to hold, love, believe, and trust. But i feel like that is saved for a later time. My heart longs to be radical. I'm reading a pretty radical book and it doesn't seem radical to me. It seems logical. This is how i want to live. But why can't i live it right now? Last week was hard. Friday was hardest. It had been a long week, i hadn't seen any of my friends that were home for reading week , but what is worse, i hadn't been able to spend time with my God. I feel so cut off. I honestly do not have time to start my day with him, when i work at 6 30, i don't have time to end the day with him when i get home almost every night at 11 and need to get up early the next day. I don't have time. I said my biggest fear was to lose this. To work, and be educated, but to be dead. Sometimes i want to feel alive again. Feel God moving me and touching me. To feel him guiding me and hugging me as I fall. I miss that presence. I just don't know how to do this differently. I love God. I so desperately want to serve him desperately, but in my life right now, i am too busy to. And this tears at my heart. This eats my soul. I've never wanted to become what i am now doing. Maybe this is temporary, maybe next week i'll feel better, but right now i feel a little hopeless. So when do i leave, when do i go back to that place. After my schooling? or will i be dead by then. I just don't know. I have no idea. But am having a hard time coping with not knowing. Jesus. Hold me. It would be so simple for me to run away and serve you, and it is so hard for me to stay here.
I know life is not easy, but does it have to be so damn hard?
Lord, hear my cries, as i sleep tonight, and be with those forgotten children, may they feel unforgotten tonight.
2 comments:
i often feel torn too. as my classmates chat about grad school i'm inside my head screaming hypocracy. how can we be studying the politics and nature of international development and want to spend our time toiling away purposelessly with this institutional learning?
i long to just be working already. in the field, following where God leads me. but i too must be patient as it seems. don't feel bad about being torn. sometimes i think it might just be a test of our own.
Lord Have Mercy. Amen. I write with confidence: I know how you feel. I could leave now... but there are so many reasons to stay. Consider the parable of the talents, consider that "to whom much is given, much is required." The joy and contentment I felt simply pushing a diabled boy on a swing was of a new kind; no 'praise and worship', no inspirational preacher, in no way does it relate the hype of the Western church. Jesus tears down walls of loneliness in simply acts of love. The pain in your heart is a testimony that it is alive... But no one can continue on in this longing without making the time to bring it to Jesus. It is easy to write but more difficult to do; time in prayer is even more important than sleep.
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