Torn

v. tore, (t�r, tr) torn, (t�rn, trn) tear·ing, tears
v. tr.

1. To pull apart or into pieces by force; rend.
2. To make (an opening) by ripping: tore a hole in my stocking.
3. To lacerate (the skin, for example).
4. To separate forcefully; wrench: tore the wrappings off the present.
5. To divide or disrupt: was torn between opposing choices; a country that was torn by strife.

I am so torn. Torn between two places, torn between two lives, torn between two choices. I cry myself to sleep because I long to be with those babies, but then I go to school and cannot imagine going back without learning more. I am torn because i want to go back, i want to hold, love, believe, and trust. But i feel like that is saved for a later time. My heart longs to be radical. I'm reading a pretty radical book and it doesn't seem radical to me. It seems logical. This is how i want to live. But why can't i live it right now? Last week was hard. Friday was hardest. It had been a long week, i hadn't seen any of my friends that were home for reading week , but what is worse, i hadn't been able to spend time with my God. I feel so cut off. I honestly do not have time to start my day with him, when i work at 6 30, i don't have time to end the day with him when i get home almost every night at 11 and need to get up early the next day. I don't have time. I said my biggest fear was to lose this. To work, and be educated, but to be dead. Sometimes i want to feel alive again. Feel God moving me and touching me. To feel him guiding me and hugging me as I fall. I miss that presence. I just don't know how to do this differently. I love God. I so desperately want to serve him desperately, but in my life right now, i am too busy to. And this tears at my heart. This eats my soul. I've never wanted to become what i am now doing. Maybe this is temporary, maybe next week i'll feel better, but right now i feel a little hopeless. So when do i leave, when do i go back to that place. After my schooling? or will i be dead by then. I just don't know. I have no idea. But am having a hard time coping with not knowing. Jesus. Hold me. It would be so simple for me to run away and serve you, and it is so hard for me to stay here.
I know life is not easy, but does it have to be so damn hard?
Lord, hear my cries, as i sleep tonight, and be with those forgotten children, may they feel unforgotten tonight.

Love without courage and wisdom is sentimentality, as with the ordinary church member.
Courage without love and wisdom is foolhardiness, as with the ordinary soldier.
Wisdom without love and courage is cowardice, as with the ordinary intellectual.
But the one who has love, courage, and wisdom moves the world.

- Ammon Hennacy (Catholic activist, 1893-1970)

Just a Girl

So often I forget, so often i try to have the exact answer at the exact time, so often I try to understand every action and every feeling I have. So often I try to be tough and say things like "i am hardcore."... well i guess not that often. But so often I get lost in thoughts, in dreams, in motivations, that i forget who i am. I am just a girl. It took a sappy movie to get that drilled through my head this time.
I watched a walk to remember and cried like a baby. The story is of a perfect, sweet, innocent love. A love that most search for and only some find. A love of mystery and clarity. I cried because fate tore them apart. The movie is sappy, lame, stupid and i loved it. I loved it because my heart wants that love. My incredibly girly heart searches for it. But my incredibly contemplative mind often shuns it. Too much to do, too little time. But that doesn't mean that I don't always want it. I am very much a girl, and cry very much like a girl. I just don't always act so much like a girl. But i am, just a girl.

Wishing Away

A clear childhood memory places me on a bus-ride home from school. I was probably about 9 years old on the bus and thinking over and over, "I wish i was 13, I wish i was 13, I wish i was 13" I wished for those years because 13 was a teenager. You were old, you could have boyfriends and a grown-up body, and wear make-up. But 13 hit, and wasn't that excited. Most boys weren't that cool, make-up was highly overrated, a grown-up body came with grown-up annoyances. So then i wished for 18. I mean 18 you could do anything! You could drive, go anywhere you want, not listen to your parents, move out, be an adult. But then 18 hit, and that wasn't that exciting. So then i wished for being older.. no such age. but to be in college, have my future planned out, maybe be married, etc, etc. And so the wishing game begins. I've looked back and realized that i wish away my life. Instead of taking every day as a gift, i wish for the next. Its a horrible cycle that needs an end, and so today i'm goign to try, to stop it. Today what do i need to be thankful for, what do i need to do. I need to focus on school take full advantage of the schooling provided to me. I need to be thankful for friends, some who live so far, but still are so close. Family, that right now, it quite wonderful. I need to work on loving as much as I can, Seek God as much as i can, and become a disciple as much as i can. I'm tired of thinking taht maybe tomorrow God will make me into a better, stronger person, and need to strive for that today. Don't plan the future, let it come as a surprise. And be thankful for every moment you have today. Lord willing i will have a long life. But for no all i know is i have today. So let me take it with pleasure.

oh man, Pink, you're awesome (occasionally)

This is a song by Pink that I heard on the Radio today.. pretty stinking cool.... Its by Pink and its called Stupid Girl

Stupid girl, stupid girls, stupid girls
Baby if I act like that, that guy will call me back
What a paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

Go to Fred Segal, you'll find them there
Laughing loud so all the little people stare
Looking for a daddy to pay for the champagne
(Drop a name)
What happened to the dreams of a girl president
She's dancing in the video next to 50 Cent
They travel in packs of two or three
With their itsy bitsy doggies and their teeny-weeny tees
Where, oh where, have the smart people gone?
Oh where, oh where could they be?

Baby if I act like that, that guy will call me back
What a paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl
Baby if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

(Break it down now)
Disease's growing, it's epidemic
I'm scared that there ain't a cure
The world believes it and I'm going crazy
I cannot take any more
I'm so glad that I'll never fit in
That will never be me
Outcasts and girls with ambition
That's what I wanna see
Disasters all around
World despaired
Their only concern
Will they **** up my hair

Baby if I act like that, that guy will call me back
What a paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl
Baby if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

[Interlude]
Oh my god you guys, I totally had more that 300 calories
That was so not sexy, no
Good one, can I borrow that?
[Vomits]
I WILL BE SKINNY

(this part i deleted.. it was really an unneccessary part of the song... google it if you really care)

Baby if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back
Push up my bra like that, stupid girl!

Baby if I act like that, that guy will call me back
What a paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl
Baby if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

I long to be needed.

Ye of Little Faith 2

i believe this will happen a lot... it usually does.. God kicks my ass.. and once again it happened.
A little background in point form:

• I went to Romania and worked with orphans and abandoned babies
• i met a wonderful 5-month old baby named Marion Gheorghe
• Gheorghe when i got there, didn't respond to sounds, to actions, he didn't cry, smile, kick, react to anything.
  
• The hospital staff said Gheorghe had "brain problem" and would never be normal, and therefore was not worth our time
• We decided differently
• We loved him, hugged him, worked with him, cheered him on, kissed him, loved him
• Gheorge started responding!
  
• Hospital staff was amazed.
  
• I left Romania
• He continued to progress
• then they kicked the volunteers out of the orphanage
• Gheorge started to regress
• Hospital staff decided they were going to send him to a orphanage for disabled children.
• I wept.
  

Okay, now to stop point form. I was angry. Incredibly angry. That they would forget the beautiful spirit of this baby. I worked at an orphanage with disabled children. I knew how bad they were. I knew.. and I had could not stand the thought that a baby i had loved so deeply was being thrown away.. to a place of hopelessness. I was so incredible sad. I was mad at God for not keeping him safe, not staying with him as i left. I was hurt. I didn't want to pray, i didn't want to talk to a God that would abandon a baby such as this. I didn't want to trust a God that would do that. so i didn't pray. Thank you for those that did pray.
Today i talked to my friend that was in Romania, and she told me that this baby, didn't end up going to the orphanage. That a new doctor at the hospital has told the others that this baby is not disabled, but he suffers from neglect. but with help, will walk, and will be a typical child. She also said that a couple from the churhch is going to sign the papers to take him home every weekend.

PRAISE THE FREAKING LORD Y'ALL
my heart rejoices, but is slightly ashamed. I had lost hope. I had lost my heart. I had lost the Lord's mercy. So Lord. Forgive me. Forgive my disbelief. Be with that beautiful boy. Send angels to watch over him. Send love to shield him. And thank you Lord for never, ever leaving his side. You are a merciful God!

my heart is content.

Becoming Disciples

"anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me." Matthew 10:37

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life, will lose it, but whoever loses it will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father's glory with the holy angels." Mark 8:34-38

Where did we get the idea that this would be easy. When did it come into our heads to make Christianity safe. There is nothing safe about these versus. To leave behind what we know and accept something in faith. Not easy, but glorious. Do you think its a coincidence that of the 12 disciples all, with the possible exception of one, died early, all were martyred. I dont' think so. I think we're called to give up our lives for Christ. That is what becoming disciples means.