a sinner's heart

For a long time i have felt winded. You know the awful feeling after a ball is kicked into your stomach? When you are breathing in so deeply that you end up not being able to breathe at all? thats what i have felt like. As if for some reason, despite my attempts i am unable to breath the beautiful air around me, and my asthmatic lungs are breaking down. I have felt that regardless of what i had done, regardless of what i had felt, i could find no way of changing the patterns. I had seemed to begin a path towards a person that i didn't much like. I was tired, was becoming increasingly selfish.. i knew i was doing it, becoming what i hate. becoming the last thing this world needs. but i couldn't stop. Like a downward spiral, and i just watched. I did most things with bitterness, and harshness, and i'm sick of it. Today i was really touched. Today i was touched at church in a way i hadn't let myself be in awhile. I'm tired of complacency, i'm tired of being tired of life. Maybe this is just a sinner's heart, maybe this is just the struggle life will put you through. But i'm tired of it, and i wish and hope to chance.