My Non-fictional fictional

Today my mind was frantic with many thoughts and ideas so i decided to go for a walk, to a place i often go, to clear my head. I bundeled up and began my journey. In just a few moments i reached my favourite thinking place, only to find a group of young women with similar intentions standing around. I didn't let this stop me and continued to walk a long the path. I recognized them but didn't know any of their names so i put my head down, hood up, and hands in my pocket and continued the walk. As I got nearer to the girls their conversations were heard clearly.
"Its just that i've never felt beautiful." said one girl. Feeling a little awkward at overhearing i kept my face down and picked up the pace a bit.
"Well i have never felt loved." said the another girl quickly.
"Well at least you don't always feel stupid." said another girl
I kept up my rapid pace to get by, but there were more girls then i had first expected.
"You guys have nothing to complain about." said another girl, "atleast you guys have desireable bodies, I've always been stuck with this." she finished
"Yeah, but at least you can work out, you can change your body. You can't change the type of hair on your head or the skin on your body." complained yet another girl.
I couldn't believe it, what kind of thing did i walk in on, was this some kind of help-group i thought? If it was where is the leader of the group I wondered. Their words continued and i couldn't believe them. Complaints about being too big, too small, small boobs, ugly legs, fat in places they didn't want fat. etc. I continued to walk and lifted my head to see that the small group of girls i thought i was walking through wasn't small at all. Instead i learned that i was surrounded by a huge mass of girls complaining about something about themselves.
"I've never felt validated." said one
"I've never known who i was." said another.
I couldn't take it, didn't these girls know that they were loved. I couldn't handle it. I turned to the girl beside me and said, "you are beautiful!" But she looked right through me as if she never heard my words. I tried again to the girl on my other side. "Don't you know that you are incredible." but again, no emotion, she was too busy complaining that she never even heard my voice. I couldn't handle this. My palms began to shake, my heart knotted itself, and tears began to well up in my eyes. "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL" i yelled, but no heads turned, none even noticed i was there. This is too much i thought to myself, i must get out of here. I walked faster budding around one girl to the next, squeezing through, but the noise of their complaints grew too loud that it forced me to cup my ears just to get through. I began to run. I ran and ran. I ran as fast as i could, as if there were someone chasing me, someone right behind me that was going to take my life. But the noise just grew. I couldn't find the end to the mass of girls. I couldn't find a shelter from their complaints. I fell to my knees and screamed," LORD, REMIND THEM THEY ARE LOVED. JESUS, PROMISE THEM THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL." when those last words left my mouth there was a complete silence. A silence like i had never heard before. I lifted my head from the ground and franticly looked around, only to find that the whole time, it was only me with my thoughts.

the differences between boys and girls

Are boys and girls different? Complete opposites? At what age do they become different?
well let me refer to a dialogue heard at my daycare today. Four 7-year old children were playing at the superhero dramatic play center today. 3 boys and a girl. There playing went something like this. The names are made up.. but the situation happened.
billy:"yeah and then he like kicked batman in the face."
mark:"yeah but it didn't matter because he just moved out of the way, poosh"
luke:"yeah and then they all ran up into the tower and kept fighting."
stef: "yeah, hey listen, listen!" (yelling over top of boys fighting) "But Poison Ivy was asleep the whole time and when she woke up she only saw Robin, and she thought that he wanted to rescue her, and she wanted to marry her."

my point stands. Boys and girls are a different breed. Ha.

My deepest, most beautiful aspirations

We are gathered here today to remember the life of our once dear friend Caitlin Noelle Wood. Caitlin like many of us was a dreamer, was passionate, and wanted to change the world. With the help of many friends, and many of us here today created a group called the Love Labour Movement which, using whatever gifts and talents we had would raise money for those who needed help. God led that movement, and Caitlin was always incredibly thankful for that movement, and how God used that movement, even to the very end. When she was 19 she went to the beatiful but broken country of Romania. She worked with orphans and abandoned babies for 3 months, and loved every second of it. She longed to serve as Jesus Christ served and through her life that was very evident. Caitlin went on to school as an ECE and got her diploma, and went on to other schooling, but Caitlin always said, that it wasn't the education that made the difference. It was the God that was directing her. Caitlin met her boyfriend and partner for life at what she said was the perfect age. Not to young, not to old. And they lived together happily with their family serving the Lord until he passed away quickly last year. Caitlin didn't live an easy life, she never wanted one, she didn't believe it was realistic. But Caitlin always, through all the crap that she went through, always had a faith in Christ. She loved as much as she could, through all the crazy places God led her and her family. She served as much as she could, and she always strived to be like Jesus Christ. She didn't stop questioning, but she trusted got for the answers. She will be remembered for her constant joy, and for all those she helped. She didn't change the world as a whole. But she changed many individuals worlds. And we will remember her for that. May we always remember her laughter, and her smile. Which she always gave so easily.



sorry for not waiting. there are things i have to do on my own. Sorry for being so vague.. But i would rather my life be directed by God, then for me to make it up.

This is an entry i wrote in my journal on March 19th 2005 while in Romania.

This beautiful baby is Gabriella Lupan.

Last night baby Lupan died. I was happy she did, she was suffering much. Evertime I've seen her lately I've prayed for her life here to end. For her to go home, for her to leave this place of pain and suffering. I try to figure out why she was here - what purpose did she serve.
I learned many things from her. I learned - or relearned- that God's plan isn't always my own, and Ive learned to find peace in that. God is bigger than i am, and his plan should be bigger too. Praise God. It feels strange being happy for the death of a child. But she went home, and i'll see her again on renewed wings and a freeing spirit.
She'll be happier than a princess and more free than a bird.
She'll be singing with the angels, and her laughter will be heard.
resounding through the heavens, gliding through the clouds,
She'll be free at last, an escape from this sometimes cold world.
And so I thank you for taking her,
and for bringing her home.
Recieving her in your arms of love, and holding her close.
Although I dont' understand the whys and the hows, I know its all part of your precious plan. We did our part and you did yours. So thank you Lord for letting her precious heart touch mine and so many others. Thank you Lord.

ooh exciting article.

no words to express...

My deepest, most horrendous fear.

We are gathered here today to remember the life and times of our once dear friend Caitlin Noelle Wood. As you all remember we were all quite close. We came from a small boring town, and made it a beautiful place to live. We shared passionate hearts and encouraged each other with inspiring words. We remember Caitlin for her passion to serve the poor - the same passion that many of us shared and her desire to change the world.
Caitlin at the young age of 19 flew off to the country of Romania and worked with the forgotten children of that poor country. She came home with hopes, dreams and visions for her own lives and the lives of others. Many of you will also remember the group we created called the Love Labour Movement, and how passionate we were to help in that way. We dreamt large dreams, and along with Caitlin held great, yet naive hopes for this world. Caitlin went to school for Early Childhood Education and soon moved to Toronto to be closer to her school and move in wth friends. However soon the cost of living was raised and Caitlin stopped going to school and began a waitressing job downtown which she didn't much enjoy, but it paid the bills. Caitlin for quite some time like a boy she knew but out of stubbornness and fear of the what ifs never shared the way she felt, and soon ignored the possibility of it altogether. As many of us remember she became bitter and quite lonely sometimes and led her to-what i believe - make the decision to date and quickly marry Geoff Barkley. I feel that to do Caitlin honour on this day, we should but just mention his name, as many of us know the hardships and heart-aches that marriage led Caitlin to.
After the final divorce of Geoff, Caitlin had to work quite hard with two jobs to support the family of two children who she loved with all her heart. She longed to be spending her days in an orphanage loving and playing with children, but instead worked hard during the day taking orders at a downtown diner, and spent nights scrubbing the toilets of a local office building. Her passions were lost but reality was found. It wasn't realistic for us to think that we could change the world. It wasn't realistic to think that we could handle this world. Or that we were destined for more. We were young, we were naive, and at this point in our lives understand that our goals were impossible goals, and our dreams were foolish dreams.
Caitlin left us as a good woman. She gave to salvation army every christmas, and although her jobs made her work on Sundays, she always continued to pray. May we remember her for the good times we shared, and the dreams we all once had in common.

Ye of Little Faith

Not so long ago i felt clearly that i should go to school for Early Childhood Education. But lately, those thoughts had turned into fear and disbelief. There were too many what ifs, too many questions, too many maybe nots. Well last night was my first at school. It was a night of trial, a battle, and then finally great relief and a reminder of faith. You see, I got to Seneca with plenty of time to spare hoping to spend my time finding the classroom. After being pointed in several directions with no hope of finding the class, and becoming incredibly frustrated and stressed, i asked one of the janiters and she happily directed me to the correct place. FINALLY.. so, i got to my first class in many years... late. But all is good, an older woman moved her stuff and i took my place in the class of about 25-30 people. I sat down and listened, discussed, debated, and learned. Stuff that I'm so interested in, and my hope was restored. I was so excited, the teacher seemed really cool, and i listened happily to all she had to say. Then class ended an hour early and we were getting ready to leave when in front of me a three women began speaking in Romanian. Okay, maybe i'm super lame, but it made me soo excited! I talked to them for a few minutes about visiting Romania and expressed to them how i missed hearing the language. And the older woman then declared every Monday a speaking Romanian day. I was so excited.
I questioned this class because I knew right now, this moment, these classes are preventing me from being in Romania. I questioned so much so that i forgot how strongly i felt God telling me to take these courses. To get my degree. But God gave me three wonderful women to remind me, and put them right in my class. And to that I am pleasantly thankful. I floated home, with a thankful heart and a contented soul.
Forgive me Father for my lack of faith.

the hardest things to deal with are those closest to home

Today i was talking with a friend from work about future plans, and i was saying how i would love to go away, yadaa yadaa, but i can't for this and this reason. and she said, "caitlin, you're too selfless, just go and do what you want." As soon as she said that i thought, if only you knew the truth. If only i truly was selfless. I'm realizing more and more the bad qualities of myself, that i'm bitter, prideful, and very selfish...and thats a hard place to be in. You need to have the strength to accept it instead of letting them bog you down, and the understanding of lifting those things up to God. I'm selfish in who i want to hang out with, and have learned that i get my pride, not from who i am, but in who my friends are. I don't know how it happened.. How this pridefulness has evolved but when i wasn't looking it evolved, and flowered into an enourmous, hideous beast to which no eyes would easily view. You may be wondering, why am i sharing this with the world? Well firstly, i don't think the whole world will view it, but secondly, I think it is incredibly important for us to realize and let go of our faults, we all have them, let us stop hiding them. Bring them out into the open, and pray for each other, that we would gain control over these things. I just want you to know, that i am working on these, and that the Lord is with me as i do.

all to complicated.

Today I realized that i make everything way to complicated. What i'm doing now, what i want to do, how i want to live, life, love, this world, i take all to seriously. Everything except for Christ. Why can't i take everything one day at a time, forget about being guilty for not meeting with God yesterday, i'll meet with him today. Start over, start fresh, forget about all the places i want to go, and focus on the place where i stand. Forget about who i want to live my life with forever, and think about who i want to spend my day with. Forget about the type of person I want to be, and think about embracing the person I am. Live each day as its own. We do not have to live our whole lives today, we just need to live today, today. Please understand that I am not a naiive person. Know that I put thought into all my decisions, but why do i need to base all my decisions on the rest of my life. If i focus each day on Christ, and live each day the way I feel he wants me to live, then I will die with no regrets. If i dance like no ones watching, sing like nobody will hear, and don't worry about what people will think of me tomorrow, then think of how much stronger of a person I will be. There is so much this world has to offer, and so much this world can take away, but i do not need to think of all of it today.
Please don't get me wrong, i don't mean to say don't live with responsibility, but live with a light heart. And focus on love. And tomorrow i will be a better person.

Children's simple lessons

This afternoon at daycare i took a group of children out to the yard to play only to find that the snowmen they worked so hard, putting so much care into had been smashed to pieces. Smashed by some older kids who find some sort of joy in destroying others masterpieces. I watched and waited for the reaction, the frustration, the anger. But nothing. Within moments the whole group of 4-6 year olds worked quickly to rebuild all that was lost. Making bigger, making better snowman then had first existed. I thought about how i would react. I'd probably first rant about some sorry soul finds delight in destroying things, how hopeless it now seems to even make a snowman if it is only to be destroyed, I'd probably think about how bad people were.. about how hopeless the situation was... But these children, just rebuilt them.. How many times do i get angry about how this world has destroyed love, family, peace, justice, truth, how many times do i feel that it is hopeless, how many times do i give up, and how many times should i just simply start to rebuild them. We don't need to start from scratch, we can use the pieces that are left, and we can create these things to be better, and more beautiful than before. So lets do it.