I'm not even sure if thats how you spell it, but i'm sure you all know what i'm trying to say, replaceable. This is how i feel, this morning i was thinking about it a lot, It seems like right now, i'm playing no vital role in any ones life, no key ingredient to anything happening. I'm just Caitlin, i am who i am, i'm the same Caitlin to boys as i am to girls, the same caitlin to christians as i am to non christians, and the same caitlin to friends as i am to strangers, hopefully, I'm Caitlin. But these days i feel as if i play no vital role in anything, no main character in any story, and thats not always a nice place to sit. I struggle with the difference between humble and low self-esteem constantly, anytime i feel somewhat good about myself i seem to notice that i'm struggleing with huge amounts of pride. I can't just be satisfied, is it because i think over everything i do and say, probably. Will i stop? probably not. I think this problem is part of what fuels my passion to serve people, to make a difference, so that hopefully i will be as important to someone as they are to GOd, and for some reason i will play an important role in something... maybe not... ANd maybe it comes back to trying to prove my worthyness to God (which is never achievable) yet always a dream... we'll see, did i figure out anything in writing this? not at all... just aded more confusion to maybe your own lives... i hope not. i hope you're all much more collected than i.... but i know this life is so confusing....
so i want to just run away to a far away land, and serve, i'm sure most of you know where i'd go, so i need not mention it.... but for now i'll stay.
2 comments:
i know how you feel.
it's like there no value being placed on where we want it most. and by whom we want it the most.
i remembering talking about this. and thinking about it after.
and i also feel like i want something to give me meaning.
like, in the dorm, i had kids that 'needed' me - so i felt like i had a "place" -- and now, i feel lost again. and like i don't know who i am. and wonder if i am anyone or anything. and i hate being in this place. like puberty and a mid-life crisis rolled into one. thanks for your honesty cait.
i love you SO SO much!!
and i am so thankful for the times we've shared in the past and especially lately!!
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